Two part post

I have this side to me that no one sees, she’s so broken and insecure and lost and hurt and confused. There’s a reason I don’t let anyone see her not you guys, not Mary, especially not the people in my life here. My friends and family have seen these glimpses of her and they don’t like her one bit, I couldn’t even imagine what would happen if they saw all of her, all of me without anything hidden. I feel like they’d leave me in a heartbeat, hate me because they wouldn’t be able to handle me. I keep this side to myself because I’m afraid, I’m afraid even writing this, I’m afraid of letting her be seen even on a computer screen, so I let her stay inside of me, ripping my heart to shreds, tearing out my soul each day, breaking me down more and more with every passing minute. She is always there taunting with the lies that surround me her words force the God’s truths to the back of my head.

I want to be okay with myself anymore. I don’t like disliking myself. It’s a bit too cliche for me, I feel too much like a normal teenage girl. I used to at least LIKE myself on most days not I can barely look at myself in the mirror and let myself think. I am plagued with these horrible thoughts and I try and I try to push them away, I try to listen to the truth but it’s getting more and more difficult to do so with God’s long term silence. It hurts. I know that I’m not ready to know His plan and that’s why He’s keeping mum and I know that He hasn’t given me more than I can handle. I just want a break from this battle. I need to breathe.

-

I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. They’re mostly trivial things, what I’ve stopped caring about, so that’s not so bad, but also a few important things, basic human needs, that I have begun neglect out of anger and spite or even just because I can, just because no one will notice. I am becoming more selfish, it would seem. Then again there are also aspects of my life where I have become more selfless, more giving, more loving, more caring, more present. Mostly, I’m changing and I can’t tell if it’s for the better or worse. I don’t know who I am, what I want, where I stand or where I’m going. For the first time in my life I feel utterly directionless. The plans and dreams I had for myself have fallen far into the back of my mind and I cannot find them anymore, it’s as if they have left me, that my purpose had died. There is a constant feeling of uselessness and apathy plaguing me that I can’t seem to rid myself of and it’s beginning to get painful. Most days as of late it’s a victory for me to get out of bed for something that isn’t a responsibility. I wish I were stronger, I wish that horrible voice inside my head telling me that nothing is worth it would just shut up, I wish I could be okay for my dad, I wish that I could just be okay for myself. I wish I loved myself the way I was meant to so that you didn’t have to read this junk. I want to feel good enough.