Fangirl

1. a girl who is a fan of a anime/video game/book charatcher. Or a fan or a real actor/singer.

2. There are three types of Fangirl:

NORMAL FANGIRL (STAGE ONE)

These are the type of fangirl i can actully stand. Has a slight obcession with the object of her desire. Reads fanfics about her chosen desire. Has about ten posters of her desire. Knows he is a fabrication (applies to anime/video games). Is literate.

RABID FANGIRL (STAGE TWO)

A slight step up from the Normal Fangirl phase. Is aged between 12-17 yearr old. Has a Livejournal and is in no less than ten communites deticacted to the object of her desire. Writes shitty fanficton (all fanficton is shit). Sqees ALOT.
Uses those gay anime emoctions such as ^_^). Cosplays. Is seen at stores like Barnes and Noble (In America) and in Oxford Street (where i live, in the UK). Draws shitty fanart. Avoid.

UBER FANGIRL (FINAL TRANSFORMATION)

This is the ultimate form of Fangirl. If you diss the object of her desire, you are doomed to a lifetime of grammar murderings. Has a Livejournal/devinart/Myspace/xanga account. Is seen at Gaia Online and Neopets FC (about 70% of the FC are on this stage already) Has about 1000000000 posters dedicated to her object. Has the entire mercenside line devoted to her desire. Creates and joins Fanlistings. writes and reads shitty yaoi fanfiction. It created FranzxAlbert. Your worst nightmare.

(Definition thanks to Urban Dictionary)

I constantly admit to being a fangirl, without hesitation because I am one and see no shame in it. Although, it was surprising to me to read that I am considered on the first level of fangirldom because I am neither a "rabid" or "uber" fangirl, I'm not some crazed Twihard who screams for team Edward or team Jacob nor am I like that Harry Potter fanboy who stabbed another boy at Comic-Com because he wouldn't trade seats with him (I do love Harry Potter with all my heatr though), I simply love my fandoms, I watch their shows and movies religiously, I go to great lengths to avoid spoilers, I stand by their creators and their actors, I take offense when they are mocked because they are, I feel, a part of my own being. I am a girl who dreams of going to Comic-Con to meet my heroes. I am a girl lurks on sci-fi websites and IMDB in hopes of news of my favorite shows. I am a girl who watched interviews of writers, directors, creators and actors on YouTube to get a few more "squee"s out of my fandom. I am a girl who listens to audio commentaries in order to hear where people got their inspiration for each scene. I am a girl who talks about thinks none of my real life friends know about. I am a girl who (shamefully) admits she reads fanfiction and watches the occasional fan video. I am a girl who rages when her shows get cancelled. I am a girl who knows her jargon and therefore knows who she ships.

I, Katee Jo Santos, am a fangirl and proud.

I love Doctor Who, Torchwood, Primeval, Firefly, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Sons of Anarchy, Pushing Daisies, Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls, Buffy, Angel, Alice, Supernatural, Skins, The Big Bang Theory, The OC, Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, The Office and so many more unabashedly, and those are just my shows.

From October 21, 2009

I’m listening to Healer on repeat on iTunes. I’m reminding myself the God is in control of all things. I’m reassuring myself that I’m facing this year-long sickness for a reason, that God is going to use this in some way. I’m telling myself to never give up, that I am a warrior, that no one can defeat me because God is for me and no one can stand against me. I’m believing God to heal me in His own time. I’m remembering that sometimes it okay to let go and cry.

I want to feel well again, I have forgotten what it’s like. I want rest, no, I need it. I need this time off to spend time on my own relationship with Christ, to refocus it. It can’t always be about other people and that is something I have to remind myself of daily. I can do anything but I can’t do everything.

My prayer tonight is for forgiveness, restoration and healing. My life is off balance when it’s not fully centered on Christ and I am going to fix that, my time and energy is going into Him.

Two part post

I have this side to me that no one sees, she’s so broken and insecure and lost and hurt and confused. There’s a reason I don’t let anyone see her not you guys, not Mary, especially not the people in my life here. My friends and family have seen these glimpses of her and they don’t like her one bit, I couldn’t even imagine what would happen if they saw all of her, all of me without anything hidden. I feel like they’d leave me in a heartbeat, hate me because they wouldn’t be able to handle me. I keep this side to myself because I’m afraid, I’m afraid even writing this, I’m afraid of letting her be seen even on a computer screen, so I let her stay inside of me, ripping my heart to shreds, tearing out my soul each day, breaking me down more and more with every passing minute. She is always there taunting with the lies that surround me her words force the God’s truths to the back of my head.

I want to be okay with myself anymore. I don’t like disliking myself. It’s a bit too cliche for me, I feel too much like a normal teenage girl. I used to at least LIKE myself on most days not I can barely look at myself in the mirror and let myself think. I am plagued with these horrible thoughts and I try and I try to push them away, I try to listen to the truth but it’s getting more and more difficult to do so with God’s long term silence. It hurts. I know that I’m not ready to know His plan and that’s why He’s keeping mum and I know that He hasn’t given me more than I can handle. I just want a break from this battle. I need to breathe.

-

I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. They’re mostly trivial things, what I’ve stopped caring about, so that’s not so bad, but also a few important things, basic human needs, that I have begun neglect out of anger and spite or even just because I can, just because no one will notice. I am becoming more selfish, it would seem. Then again there are also aspects of my life where I have become more selfless, more giving, more loving, more caring, more present. Mostly, I’m changing and I can’t tell if it’s for the better or worse. I don’t know who I am, what I want, where I stand or where I’m going. For the first time in my life I feel utterly directionless. The plans and dreams I had for myself have fallen far into the back of my mind and I cannot find them anymore, it’s as if they have left me, that my purpose had died. There is a constant feeling of uselessness and apathy plaguing me that I can’t seem to rid myself of and it’s beginning to get painful. Most days as of late it’s a victory for me to get out of bed for something that isn’t a responsibility. I wish I were stronger, I wish that horrible voice inside my head telling me that nothing is worth it would just shut up, I wish I could be okay for my dad, I wish that I could just be okay for myself. I wish I loved myself the way I was meant to so that you didn’t have to read this junk. I want to feel good enough.

I hate knowing things. Things I wish I didn’t know. Things that could hurt people close to me. Things that involve me. Things that someone I trust did. Things that gnaw away at me. Things that start driving me insane. Things that make me question myself. Things that I shouldn’t feel guilty about but do. I hate knowing things like this. Why did it have to change? It wasn’t supposed to. It was supposed to stay the way it was forever but now it’s getting all weird and awkward and different. When I brought it up the strangeness only got stranger. Now I have to watch the way I act and the things I say because I don’t was to send out some sort of “message.” I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? God, this sucks.

A confession of sorts

Believe me when I say I know what it’s like to need someone, maybe no one in particular, just someone who cares, who will listen, who can be there for just a few minutes. What I don’t know, though is how to open up and how to get past to my fear. I want to share these things, my secrets, that is, with people in my life but when I find myself in a one on one situation with someone that I trust or in a time of crisis I can never pluck up the courage or find the right words to start. I know what goes on in these people’s lives and I feel like my secrets would be too much of a burden, one that the shouldn’t have to carry as well. I make constant excuses for my fear and I realize that they are just that, excuses and nothing more. I know that holding everything in isn’t healthy, it has made me sick more times than I can count, yet lo and behold every single time I want to share something, I just cannot. I don’t want people knowing more than what I feel is safe. I never share everything with anyone except Mary, Mary knows almost everything but I don’t see her until the tenth and I’m having a rough week, there’s a lot going on in my head and I just want someone I’m comfortable with to talk to but that’s more to ask than you’d think. I’m comfortable enough with a total of two people to share almost everything with and they’re just not around and I don’t want to call them, I just don’t do that, I always feel like my problems are stupid when I say them over the phone, I’ve done it in the past and felt completely silly, I need to do these things in person but no one is ever around, especially not the people I need.

Sometimes, I almost feel like everything would just be easier if my friends knew about this blog or followed it or something, because I never talk about anything serious, basically ever, because I don’t like people worrying about me. People knowing about this means they’d get closer to knowing what goes on in my heart and in my head, maybe not all of it but they’d at least know that I was hurting and that there was something going one behind, well everything I say, then again, they’d be worried and I hate that.