To be totally honest so far 2009 has been an awful year for me. I cannot even begin to explain how weary I had become, I was at a point were I avoided people like the plague. I could not open up, I still have that feeling yet because someone who meant the world to me, who I trusted more than anyone betrayed not only me but an entire community of people he swore to be there 100% for and because of that betrayal he was ripped from our lives and I found myself at an impasse, if this man who was and still is an incredible man of God can stumble the way he did then what was the point? I was consumed with an overwhelming feeling of apathy that I let no one in on because left and right people were telling me what an "example" I was to others. How could I let people down? I hate letting people down, always have, always will. I put on this mask that I was okay, but in truth I cried every time I even opened my bible because I was reminded of Jeremiah and it hurt like a mother. In my heart I knew seeking God would help me heal but I just could not read my bible and not cry and not be reminded, so I stopped for a long time. The apathy only grew worse with the absence of seeking God, my hunger for Him began to die and I hated it, I missed being in awe of Him nightly.
Things began to get a little better in late February/early March when I was filled with pride in my older brother Canaan joining youth staff at Uprising because a year prior he would not even consider stepping foot in a church, but he was hungry to serve God in any way possible. I could not help but cry when I saw him there, worshiping, searching, and loving God. It is so cool to me and my family. It gave me an almost all new perspective but I was still hurt and angry. All I wanted was Jeremiah back to experience this with us, but he was not allowed to and it made me bitter. Although the sermons touched me, although the leaders were there and strong, although Chris, Russ, and Rhonda had not intention of taking Jeremiah's place it wasn't as fun. It wasn't the Uprising was had all come to know in love over the past five years, three with Jeremiah.
When the realization of my apathy and distrust of people finally dawned on me one night in the car with Gloria I was brought to tears. I knew what I was doing wrong, I knew how much my own existence depended of caring, I knew that I needed people in my life, I knew that I wasn't living for God the way I was called to, I knew I was letting people down, I knew I was letting myself down. Gloria being Gloria and full of the wisdom she always is she said what I needed to do, she gave me the kick in the butt I needed, as usual. Canaan says it so eloquently, he always says "Gloria is so real," and he is so right, she draws people in with her honestly, it what makes her such a great leader.
After that night I spent my time crying out to God for a renewed sense of passion and boy was it given to me. The song "The Change" by Worth Dying For became my anthem. "Your passions burning in our soul were overwhelmed. We've lost control our life support the air we breathe
Lord You are in me come touch these lips. And cleanse these hands Lord send Your Spirit to this land. Today we shake the chains today we will make the change. We won't go back." Singing it daily gave me strength to face everything. My health (I really just LOVE being sick for seven months, you know) was no longer a stress, it became something I dealt with, my only focus was God. His call on my life became stronger, my call to Africa grabbed a hold of me and would not let go. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is where I am meant to be, I know that once day soon I will have to leave the comfort of Seattle to show God's love to the child soldiers there, the anxious feeling is overwhelming, I love it.
Another little something that has changed is that a few weeks ago, I talked to Chris about joining youth staff, our conversation went like this, Me: "Hey, Chris. I was wondering what your policy on becoming a youth leader?" Chris: "Anyone. You wanna do it?" Me: *Nods* Chris: "Okay! Let's do this!" Yeah, it happened just like that. It was crazy. So I am now on youth staff with Canaan, I get the joy of working with junior highers. It's really funny, because I am not a fan of junior highers only because they're dramatic and I HATE drama. Why do you think I do online high school? Plus I had a God awful time in middle school, but I think I can make sure they have a better time than I did, at least I hope so. This youth staff thing really is what has this whole new season thing going because tonight Maggie grabbed me and just prayed over it and that is what really opened my eyes to what a big deal this is, how much it changes. I can feel myself going in a new better direction. I am really excited to see what God does with this and me.
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